Great Minds Think....differently

I am sitting here watching Good Morning America which is featuring a concert by U2. Hmmm...not that I know who that is mind you, but they certainly have control of the audience. The audience is doing everything they do, every hand motion...Now that is interesting to me. It makes me reflect on a conversation I had with a teen just recently.

We were talking about how difficult it is to find Christians who are really serious about their faith. So many "Christians" aren't any different than anyone else, not in dress, not in attitude, not in the way they live their lives. I was glancing on FACEBOOK at some photos of "Christian" kids and there is picture after picture of kids making the same looks and hand gestures as everyone else. It poses the question what is a "Christian?"

I can tell you what it is not. It is not someone who attends church of any denomination. It is not someone who can quote a passage of Scripture. It is simply someone who follows Christ. Where is Christ and where is He going? How did He live His life? How was He different from all that had come before Him and will ever come after Him? In God's Word we are told that we are predestined as born again believers in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ to be conformed to His image. God wants me as a believer to be Christ like not world like. To be friends with the world is to be enmity with God...not one of those things we can straddle the fence on...will love the one and hate the other.

Having a conversation with Taylor last week...one of my adopted sons who I love dearly. First let me tell you about Taylor. He appeared last year fresh out of tech school and has been in and out of our lives for over a year. He comes to church once in awhile and joins us for dinner on occasion. He is very real, making no excuses for his behavior. He is definitely my wild child! Anyway...he has an IQ higher than mine so we have this intelligence rivalry going. He really is pretty bright! I made a comment about how great minds think alike and he responded with, "No, great minds think differently." Aha...he is right!

As Christians, we are often accused of being of lesser intelligence, not being able to think for ourselves, being brainwashed and yada, yada,....I have a 3.89 GPA, a Bachelor's degree, a member of Phi Kappa Phi, and am returning to get my MAT. My IQ is higher than the average bear, and I am NOT brainwashed. I can think for myself and recognize truth when I see it. I am not swayed by a professor or my peers. I read and I think. Most importantly, I know that there is really only one absolute truth. History itself teaches me that man is always revising his thinking. What is accepted as fact one day is discredited the next. Man's ideas are finite. God is infinite. Why would I want to be like the world I live in? Why would I want to think like I am told to think? Why would I want to scream individuality while I dress and talk and act like the peers who influence me? Why......Not.....think differently?!

Freedom...

Freedom Isn't Free...so what does it require? Truth (John 8:31-32 "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

What is Truth? God's Word (John 17:17 "Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.")

Wow...how simple is that??? One truth, one absolute, and if practice makes permanent....then practicing living in truth is certainly a much better idea than practicing living by a false philosophy.

I'm Loving It...

I was sitting in church yesterday morning, between my husband and daughter, listening to our pastor and thinking about how different life is now. Our pastor preached on the mission of our church which boiled down to edifying families and reaching the lost. He always references Scripture to Scripture, rarely quoting commentaries and the such. Our time with him has been incredibly challenging. I am loving my church, my church family, my pastor, and mostly my Christ! I felt like singing the McD's jingle....buh buh bump, bump, buh...I'm Loving it! It has certainly been quite awhile since I could say that!

We never hear a message that doesn't leave us in thought...considering...where we are and where we should be going. He [our pastor] made a comment that really stuck with me-We can't remain neutral. We are on one side or the other, Christianity is not a neutral activity, although it would seem that some think so. We are either following Christ or following the world-can't stand still and can't choose both!

Every part of my day yesterday was filled with God's amazing presence. I had some time with my brother and sister-in-law, time to study my Bible, time to listen and be taught, time to minister to others, and just time....time to live my life in Christ. Another moment, another day, another opportunity...and time is short! I have never been fully convinced of the truth that Jesus Christ is going to return again in my lifetime...thought we would live and die like generations before us. The whole idea that Christ is returning seemed more like a Sci-Fi movie! My soul is bubbling over....I am so excited...but, I am seeing the multitudes of lost around me that need to be reached and how... Lord, here I am, send me!

What's in a name?

I woke up this morning swimming in thoughts...usually that is the case on Sunday, because I am getting ready for Sunday School. I am not teaching this Sunday, but nonetheless...thoughts dancing around. I was thinking about "grace" which led down a bunch of other roads...one was peoples' names. I always find it interesting how and why people name their kids what they do.

My name is quite unusual which meant growing up no one could pronounce it, teachers stumbled over it, getting called over intercoms was confusing, and forget finding it printed on anything! I asked my parents about it and the only thing they agree on is that it is indian (as in American indian). My dad says it means morning star, mom says it means running water...I am going with morning star! LOL

Anyway...when it came time for me to name my own children, my own experiences definitely weighed that decision. I wanted names which could easily be pronounced and spelled, names which were definitely boy or girl (didn't want any one looking at a roll and not knowing), and which carried a specific meaning...out came the baby name book!

I have three children. The oldest has a name which means "God is judge," the middle one "illustrious one," and the youngest "pure." Do we grow into our names? It seems that people do for the most part, at least I hope so, in most cases! Then I wonder about parents who name their children things like: Hope, Faith, Charity, Prudence, Grace, Christian....significant Christian names with powerful meanings...Does a child with a name like "Grace" grow into the definition thereof: According to Strong's Concordance comes from a root word which means "to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior, to favor, to bestow." In John 1:17 it means graciousness of manner or act especially the divine influence upon the heart and its reflection in the life." Hmmm....

Consider Charity- God's divine love, agape love, unconditional love...or Faith-comes from a word which means credence and in Matthew 9:22 means "moral conviction of the truthfulness of God, especially reliance upon Christ for salvation."

Will these children come to understand their names and live it? Will mine? Will mine grow into an understanding of theirs, God is the judge, a righteous judge, illustrious-lighting up the world with truth, and purity of heart and life? Well if mine means "morning star," I haven't grown into yet, because I am certainly not shining bright early in the morning!

Must Be Doing Something Right

Sometimes God just gives me a really noticeable "amen." With all the chaos and conflicts of this past year, including the ones we are engaged in right now and...Katherine's health issues, it is hard at times to trust that God is at work. I have really had lots of moments where Jesus could be saying to me, "Why are you kicking against the pricks?" I have wrestled in prayer, not sure anything was ever going to happen! The encouragement we have been getting, the Biblical counsel from our wise pastor and dear friends near and far has reminded us that we must be doing something right to be under such attack!

Icing on the cake today was a face to face encounter with what it looks like when someone is so angry because they can't get control...let me tell you...not pretty! We don't need control, not only of our life circumstances, but not of anyone else's either. We KNOW who holds the future!

I was sitting in church tonight listening to our pastor and rehearsing my year -a song came to mind (not Christian and absolutely unrelated except for one line)...must be doing something right...and suddenly a smile just had to escape! God knows where He wants us to be and I AM SO GLAD He does! I just had to go pray. I went to the altar-not so much to ask God for anything-but to praise Him and lay it at His feet...I was deep in my private sanctuary when I felt an arm around me. (I can't remember the last time I was praying at an altar and someone joined me!) What a blessing to be prayed over in such a way (thanx friend!).

I have such peace at this moment just because I know He is weeding and pruning...and with every cut, I get a little more confident in who He is! Woo Hoo...Yippee...I am on God's side...not kicking...not screaming...not pouting...God's got this!

Pondering????

We cannot solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. ~ Albert Einstein

Hmmm???

Might Be Fall...

Driving down the road today, I spotted a rare beauty fall brings (at least in other places around the world)....leaves dancing with color! I love it! We don't get too much in the way of seasons here, summer, more summer, just a bit more summer, and something which resembles a cold front once in awhile! Right now, one of those cold fronts are coming through-dropping our temperatures to freezing at night, and barely topping 60 during the day...chilly for us Louisianans. The sudden weather change has turned some of our normally green trees all kinds of colors...and it is just gorgeous!

Dancing

I have been trying to pinpoint the moment in time when I learned to dance around the truth, that place where I lost confidence in my ability to speak the truth. There was a time when I had no problem speaking....giving my thoughts or opinions...even when I was wrong...but now, I can't seem to get it out even when I am right!

My husband and I have had this conversation a few times now, and he goes back to an incident with our sister-in-law a few years back. I thought we had freedom to speak and be who we are, and that was turned around and manipulated. Everything we said was turned into a lie to be used against us. There was absolutely no truth in any part of that situation: the result-a lost relationship with a brother, no opportunity for us to watch our neices to grow up, and broken relationships with other family members. Nothing but brokeness is left in this wake of manipulation and deception. Even worse, our son bought into it and this idea that somehow parents no longer have a right to say anything to their children when their children aren't walking in truth. We are supposed to sit by and watch them dive off into an abyss of darkness and destruction, all under some idea that they are "adults now." We no longer have any freedom to disagree with our childrens' choices and vocalize that, because they are "adults." All these years invested in them training them to live in Christ-gone-poof...just like that. All the years they came to us with questions, with conflicts...not a thing has changed on our end...actually we are more Spiritually sound than we were...have more answers than we did...and more tools to resolve conflicts.

Where on earth did someone get the crazy idea that being a "majic age" makes you an adult-suddenly able to do whatever your mind can conceive! How can a perfectly compliant child who has submitted to authority, studies and memorized the Scriptures, knows the truth of God's Word, suddenly think that just because they are an "adult" nothing applies??? How can God's Word be truth and authority one day, and not another? Where in our culture did it happen that drinking is wrong....unless you are legal? Where did it become ok to have sexual relationships as long as you are a consenting "adult"? I stand back, ponder all of that, and am absolutely blown away...and then I look at the situations in our nation, our communities, our families,

...and it is no wonder-no one wants to take a stand for what is true...we all want to dance around it. Sure you can make your own decisions. Sure you can live a life of sin. Hey...so can I, but why would I want to when my Heavenly Father knows so much more than I do! It makes me think of the Israelites when they were under the judges...over and over they "did that which was right in their eyes." What a difference it is to do that which is right in our eyes as opposed to that which is right in God's eyes. There is only one truth, there is only one way, there is only one life I want to live...in Jesus. How do I get that truth to stick in not only my life, but in the lives I touch? How do I speak the truth without fear? How can I love people and not condone the choices they are making? How can God possibly use me when I keep wanting to dance?

Stop and Smell the Roses

Every once in awhile, not often enough for sure, we stop just because. The American Rose Center in Greenwood, LA hosted a fall moonlight stroll through the gardens this past Friday night. We hadn't been out there in years, so decided to take the night off, go to dinner and out to the garden. It was very quiet and serene. Amazingly enough...there were still roses on some of the bushes! We did stop and smell them!


We took a few pix, walked hand in hand, had a complimentary glass of soda (wine was offered, but.....), listened to the mini orchestra playing under one of the gazebos, and talked about just stuff! Empty nest...not quite...but...don't think we are going to have a big problem with the syndrome...maybe...have had some time to kind of ease into it! Sure do like being able to stop and smell the roses!

Fear and Faith

Last week I taught my Sunday School girls on "fear" from the life of David, this week we are discussing "faith" also from the life of David. I have always known that you learn by teaching because obviously you have to study to teach....as I am studying these two things and connecting them in my own heart (in order to connect them for the girls), God is convicting me of how guilty I am. I have lived so much of my life in fear and have failed so much of the time to live in faith.

Todd is such a good guy, and he has been really good for Katie, but I have had the hardest time giving my heart away this round. Jumping in has always been so easy for me. Being hurt, struggling with the situations of my own life, and then there is my family, my kids, and extended family members..giving and being taken advantage of....that being "used" feeling which always shuts me down... all of that has left "fear" in its wake.

Todd took Kat out for her birthday Friday night. (I took the first picture I have taken of them, because I was hesitating accepting them as a couple) I was good up until I had calculated about when the dinner and movie should be done, and she wasn't home yet. Fear crept in and panic started to bubble up to the service. Instincts said "text" and find out where she is, but reason said "be patient." I prayed instead for their safety, and she of course returned home safe and sound. Some areas of my life are incredibly difficult for me to let go and let God-my kids are way at the top of that list. They are all grown now, but it isn't any easier not to "fear," for them, even though I know God's got this. "Faith" believing in the promises of God's Word that I have yet to see. What kind of faith is it when I have to see to believe? It isn't of course. Praying.....and trying to trust...

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

Mission Accomplished

The coulottes were certainly a success...in that we finished them on time, and most of them fit. Of all that we sewed, only three pairs need to be redone! That was such a blessing and a testimony that God was in that. No way could we have done that on our own!

It was a week of Spiritual battes though. I struggled with where Kat is in her life, and once again I was faced with the reality that people seek their own, not the welfare of others. It seems as if everywhere I turn, I have to deal with that reality...has it always been that way, or is it a testimony of the sin sick world we live in!? I keep trying to keep my feet under me, because I know with every Spiritual victory, a mountain, there is also a valley. I hit the valley way sooner than I was prepared for. I was on such a high from the week before, all the opportunities God had opened for us to share and give to someone else, not the giving so much, but the amazing truth that you can't outgive God that was also being showered on us. Then I hit the point where I needed someone to commit to me just because they cared, and I was once again disappointed. Doing something out of love and doing something out of obligation are not the same thing. That truth goes beyond physical life, and challenges my heart to serve my Lord and others not because I have to or am obligated, but because Jesus love me, and I love Him. It sure seems like it would get easier to remember that, but being a "Martha" hinders me when I so want to be a "Mary."

I am so thankful for my husband. He is indeed a covering for me. He holds me when I cry, listens to me when I am unreasonable, brings balance into my life, and lightens my burdens. How God must have known when He gave him to me, and how I need to listen to him so much more than I do.

I'm Gonna Miss This

Katherine and I went to Arkansas yesterday for her arthritis checkup. We go about every four or five months on this little road trip. Her and I have had the opportunity to take several road trips together. They are sweet times for us to get to know each other a little better and talk about stuff in our lives. I love those moments when it is just her and I. She channel surfs when she is driving which really annoys me, but also brings us to hysterical laughter quite often. Yesterday, we stumbled across songs which we turned up really loud and sang at the top of our lungs, songs which brought back funny, and sad, memories, songs which made us stop and ponder. Trace Adkins "You're Gonna Miss This" is one of those songs that really challenges me to reflect on how quickly life goes by. I miss the early days of our marriage, when our kids were tiny, demanding, fighting, running around all hours of the day and night, exploring, learning, and just experiencing the newness of life. They were in such a hurry to grow up, and at times I was in a hurry too, but...I miss those days. I look at Kat, who is so in a hurry to grow up, so in a hurry to find the right guy, get married, settle down with her own life, and I want to say with Adkins..Baby, just slow down, you are gonna miss this. These are some good times, and I know I am gonna miss this too!


She was starin out the window of their SUV
Complainin sayin I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money
And I'll make my own rules
Momma put the car in park out there
in front of the school
And she kissed her head, and said 'I was just like you'

You're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' want this back
You're gonna' wish these days
Hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna' miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In her one bedroom apartment And her daddy stops by
He tells her it's a nice place
She says, 'It'll do for now'
Starts talkin' about babies, and buyin a house
Daddy shakes his head And says baby just slow down

Cuz' you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' want this back
You're gonna' wish these days Hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna' miss this

Five years later there's a plumber
Workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin' one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
But he says they don't bother me
I've got two babies of my own
One's thirty- six, one's twenty- three
Huh, it's hard to believe

But you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' want this back
You're gonna' wish these days
Hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' miss this
Yeaahhhh... you're gonna' miss this...

Go To The Ant

"Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise." Proverbs 6:6

I have considered that verse alot these past few months as ants continue to invade! There is no real way to stop them right now, because there are too many ways for them to get in the house. I wipe them off the counters, sweep them off the floors, and fish them out of whatever...a can canister occasionally, pots and pans, cups...it reminded me of a time at SCA when there was a roach issue right around the coffee pot. Sometimes they would get into the filter or the pot. We would pour a cup of coffee and my goodness, a bug would be swimming along! One such time, Bro. Mike (previous pastor of Baptist Tabernacle) and I were standing there making cups of coffee. Both of us got floaties. He fished his out and kept on drinking! LOL-I on the other hand dumped mine and started over. He told me that after being on the mission field, he could eat just about anything, things like floaties didn't bother him at all! I have a new appreciation for that...I am not on a foreign mission field, but I am in a construction zone being invaded by all kinds of critters. Bro. Mike, I have fished a few ants out of my coffee (they got on the spoon or in the cup without me catching them)-I didn't dump it, just kept on drinking it! I have fished them out of something on the stove, shrugged, and ate it anyway. That is probably grossing some of you out, seeing Bro. Mike do that sure did me, but it is amazing what you can learn to live with when you have to...and those ants...did you know they are blind (or so I am told)?

Drama

Is everyone's life filled with drama or is it just mine? I was talking to my brother last week and he laughed. He said it is always something over there...and it is. He was referring to Katherine wrecking her car, all that goes with that, and then...she blew a plug in the living room, leaving us in a brown out. So Friday, I kept Caitlyn who would not sleep all day. If Doreen hadn't of been here to relieve me, I would have gotten absolutely nothing done except hold her. I did manage to squeeze in a load of laundry, sweep a floor, study a bit, and make lunch. It took me all day to get dressed and brush my teeth! Wow...forgot how much time it takes to take care of an infant! After Tonia picked Caitlyn up, I went right to work on my Praxis. I studied that till dinner, went to dinner at Saltgrass (Texas steakhouse right here in Louisiana), and walked around the boardwalk for a bit, mostly so Steve and Todd could have man to man time (that was at Katherine's request). Katherine and Todd are now official...she is of course beaming ( I really hope this is a case of third times a charm and not three strikes your are out!) After the walk and talk, we came home, and I again went to work on my Praxis. I was getting pretty excited, thought maybe, just maybe I could pass it...then...it was cancelled due to the hurricane. Wow...bitter sweet...all those hours put in to prepare for it...I do have more time to learn all those formulas and how to operate this fancy smancy calculator which will do everything but the dishes! Hurricane winds and rain swept through leaving a wake of pecan branches and debris all over the place, but we did not flood and did not lose power (except for our little brown out adventure!) Yea...and all that drama only covers one week in the life of the Ward family!

New Math

1 van plus 1 car plus 1 truck = 3 vehicles, but 3 vehicles- 1 van - 1 car =4: 2 trucks, 1 jeep, and 1 Saturn - 1 truck and 1 Saturn= 2 again. Hmmm?? Confused? Us too...Kat wrecked her Saturn which has now been totalled. We are waiting to hear what the insurance company is going to settle on so we will know what we owe. So we are back at two vehicles, three people, three jobs, and college. Well God always knows...Kat got a new job at Aafes. The job just opened up. She will be working from 2-9ish every day except her class night at the BX which is just a hop, skip, and jump from the education building. She gets out of class at 12ish every day which gives her time to walk over there, get something to eat and maybe do some homework (maybe?). It makes for a long day for her, but steady hours, no real transportation issues (she goes to class and gets off work at compatible times for me to take her and pick her up), and steady pay. Her hours at Kohl's has been so up and down, and she is not making enough to pay her way. Aafes has long term potential for her so who knows...God does!

Speaking of new math-I have been studying for my Praxis II tomorrow. I have been cramming so much information into my little brain that it is having trouble processing the smallest of requests! I couldn't do simple division last night at Sylvan! Decided a night off was in order so I could be fresher today in my review and practice tests. I am in no way ready for this test, but have to plunge in. Maybe with a little grace, the questions I know will be the ones on my test as opposed to the multitude of questions I have no clue on! I am so anxious about it that last night I had one of those high school dreams-the one where you show up late, can't find your class, your seat, your locker, don't have your supplies, pencils, paper, everyone is waiting on you, etc...(I wasn't naked-not the dream where you show up in your underwear). I woke up with a start this morning and then had to smile. That anxiousness over school never seems to go away, no matter how old we get! Tomorrow is the day...have a very full day today-plumber will be here any minute, Kat will be in and out with school and aafes paperwork, and...I needed her help today babysitting Caitlyn. I have no idea how I am going to study and take care of a baby (little out of practice on that one!), but I will sneak it in somehow! Tonight we are taking Todd and Kat out for a steak dinner-repayment to Todd for taking care of the house while we were in NC. I am sure dinner for me will be laced with visions of numbers/letters/symbols dancing in my head!

My book is sitting next to me, baby is stirring-eyes open-better make a bottle, someone is calling....

In Prison

Yesterday was my first time to go into our ladies prison here. I have actually never been in any prison...wasn't sure what to expect. TV isn't exactly the best picture of what real life is like! I joined our ladies jail ministry team, something I have been pondering for some time, and yesterday was the day! We go in once a week for two hours to do a Bible study with the ladies there. I wasn't teaching yesterday, just watching and listening.

The variance of lady that was there was staggering. The youngest I met was 22, but she looked even younger than that. My partner said she had met girls as young as 17. I was trying to remember names, so kept looking around into their faces. They looked just like everyone else, anyone I would have passed on the street or met in the store; however, they made choices that landed them in a maximum security prison, dressed in red striped outfits, with no control at all over their own lives. My friend who was teaching, on Elijah, stressed how God provides for us, how important obedience to Him is in our lives, and the choices we have to make for ourselves. She mentioned in there that they could have freedom even behind bars and maybe more freedom then if they were out, if they allowed sin to keep them in bondage.

I was so nervous at first, but then I was having a hard time being quiet, wanted to talk, wanted to move around and meet them, listen to them, and encourage them. That time will come-I am already thinking about what I will be teaching and am asking God what they need to hear.

The thing I heard the most, the greatest need of their heart, was an understanding of God's grace. Nothing they do or don't do will get them to heaven, will change their lives, not turning over a new leaf, trying to live differently then they know, trying to free themselves from bad relationships and drug addictions, because the change they need needs to come from the inside not the outside. They don't understand repentance, responsibility for what they have done and lived, and how great their need is for dependence on the Savior. If all could get a handle on the truth of God's grace, and His enabling power to make us into what He wants us to be, how different we would be, and how different we would be towards everyone else.

I went to prison yesterday and spent two hours locked behind really heavy doors with guards watching through windows everywhere, but I went in free, and I came back out free. Lord, work in those ladies' hearts to bring them to saving grace and eternal freedom in you, and you alone!

Simple Things

We haven't sat down in any comfortable fashion to watch a movie or check out a show since this demolition began. The only tv up was the one in Kat's room, and there are no floors or walls in there! We were so tired last night from all this work and traveling that no one wanted to do a thing. As we debated our options, my husband came up with an idea. Our couch and love seat are in the living room, why not bring Kat's tv in there? There is no satellite in that room, but we can watch a dvd...which was actually the goal. We are big Stargate fans....hence...when the new movie came out, Steve preordered it right away. It came in last week, but we haven't stopped to watch it. Last night was the night...we curled up on the couches and after months and months, stopped to watch a movie together. Simple Things

Before we made our jaunt to Florida, I cleaned up the den (still gutted), putting the computer on a table. There is no power in there so we are running extension cords through the room into the dining room. At least we can sit down at a table, in a chair, at the computer now! Simple Things

We brought a different tv into the den and sat it on a shelf...still wasn't hooked up. Steve hooked it up to the satellite last night and this morning...another first in a long time...I am watching/listening to Good Morning America. Simple Things

To live so long already without modern conveniences that make a home a home...to be able to sit and fellowship, or watch a movie as a family...somehow the hurry up pressure to get on with this project dissipated...a few simple things makes life a bit more bearable and maybe even this process a little less taxing!

Active Listening

To listen-we have to be silent. These past weeks have so challenged my heart. Not a day has gone by that I haven't broken down and cried...not only because the weight of this situation is so heavy...and continues to get heavier...but because of a crisis of unbelief. Having faith and trusting are two different things, and I am realizing more and more that faith is the easier one. I can believe God can, it is believing God will that escapes me, because I just don't know that He will. I read and listen to His word, the truth that is there, the life principles that fill the pages, and KNOW He is true and His Word is true, but people...still have a free will, and they are still born into sin, and they still do what they want more times than not.

Nothing hurts like a disobedient child...doesn't even have to be the big offenses that are a crushing blow. Sometimes I sit back and kind of take in the situation, listen to what is being said, the world's perspective and its infiltration into our very thinking, and consider: Not so bad. My kids aren't doing drugs, running around all hours of the night, engaged in premarital sex, or whatever else the heart can imagine. They all graduated highschool with good gpa's and had or have college opportunities. Daniel is finishing up his bachelors, on scholarships, Katherine starts school this fall, on scholarship. My boys are married and self supporting. They are hard workers, you know, generally good people. All is well...but isn't that a world's take on successful parenting? Their outside successes matter little compared to what is going on in their hearts. What they can accomplish on their own has little merit if God is not in it. My goal wasn't to raise kids-it was to raise Christian adults-people who would give their hearts and lives over to the Lord. I read an article recently about a parent who believed that her kids would grow up and have her same values, only to find that isn't necessarily true...and...me too.

My devotional book, Lord, I Need Grace to Make it Today, begins with a lesson on sin. She says, "Walking your own way, doing your own thing, being your own god is the root of all sin...If you choose to be your own god, you make the choices, you run the show, you call the shots, you are the boss, you are lord or master! And you choose to live in ways which please yourself (Arthur 13). Yep...the root problem...choosing to live my life in the way that pleases me...and it isn't just my problem..it is THE problem. It is where all my life conflicts begin-a heart of selfishness-mine or someone elses. As long as everyone is getting what they want-it is all good. It is when someone doesn't get what they want that the problem arises.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is the most painful. It is the most discouraging. It is the greatest faith trial. It is also the greatest analogy of God my Father's love for me. I understand deeper His sacrifice, His commitment, His great desire for my good, and His great pain at my disobedience all because I have children. My heart hurts deeper at my own disobedience to Him, at my own lack of trust in Him, and for my own stubborn self will. An understanding I come to daily because my children have reacted to our love in the same ways. They think they have a right to make choices, they have the right to live their life their way, our boundaries are too confining, too controlling...after all, we can't live our life through them...but isn't that exactly what God wants to do in my life-live through me?! Aren't His boundaries, His control, His will for my life, His working in my life all to fulfill His purpose? Isn't He trying to protect me from myself? Doesn't He want the absolute best for me because His love is so boundless?

Wow, God...even at this very moment..as I sit and ponder who He is in the midst of this chaos, the phone rings. We have so little help, so little concern, no one from our church family has been here. They stop us at church, ask, yet...one more time, "Is your house back together yet?" Uh...NO!!! This past weekend, three months later, our pastor asked Steve to give testimony about the flood...so he does...people were coming up to me after with comments like, "I didn't know your house flooded." Reallllllllllllly....it isn't a secret!...and then there is Shawna, and there is Toni. They have been my angels. Toni, with all her chaos, her battles with Edith, no time to take care of her own family, no rest for herself, her constant pain, and she calls. She calls to tell me that Edith is a little better and she wants to do something for me. She is going to make me dinner. So..I cry again...

This week one of our Barksdale B-52's went down over Guam. Our guys lost their lives. There have been memorials for them; it has been about a week now, and everyone will go back to their lives, except those families, those moms, those kids...that is how it is with a death...that is how this flood experience has felt....a death..we got calls the first few days...but no one came...and then everyone goes on with their lives, but we don't...ours has come to a stop, no not a stop, our life has turned into a perpetual day into night into day into night and again and again.

It really isn't about the house...it is about what I expected Christianity to be....my disillusionment at life in general...my inability to get my footing...and my confidence. I am trying to listen...trying to be what God wants...trying to serve...trying not to let this situation so control my life that it becomes my god. I am trying to do what is right.

Active listening-what is it? It is separating background noise and focusing on the speaker. There is an awful lot of noise in my life, and I have always had trouble figuring out who is speaking? Is God directing me, is it me trying to be the master of my own life, is it other people trying to impose their will on me? I am going to be silent; instead of talking, listen.

Lord, help me separate from the noise in my life, and distinguish your will for me, your voice, your call, a part from every other voice that threatens to control my life.

Listening

I am teaching in Sunday School this morning on the parable of the Sower from Matthew 13. I was studying that, and thinking about some other things that have been said this weekend about "active listening," when I came across this quote:

"...every mind is not equally improvable." Adam Clarke Commentary

Hmm? His reference was to bearing fruit as one of the three evidences of being a disciple of Christ. Those who bore fruit did not do so equally (Matthew 13:23). The fruit being the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22. Life circumstances, just where we have been affect us...at least it does me...guess I should be speaking for myself...because life is not always what it appears to be, and people aren't always what they say they are. Hearts harden when they are weathered, life burdens choke our desire to even be fruitful...sometimes the "trying" over and over again, the falling down...getting up...falling down...getting up..becomes burdensome.

Not everyone is open to change...most people think they already have it figured out...they think they know...when really who does? There is only one truth and only one God who does know...I find myself over and over in meaningless converstations where no one is listening to anyone else...everyone wants to talk, but no one wants to listen.

That parable is repeated in Luke 8 and ends with a warning: "Take heed therefore how ye hear: for whosoever hath, to him shall be given; and whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he seemeth to have." (Luke 8:18)

Monday....

Today was just that! We started our day with a transformer blowing and no power. That meant I went to work today without a shower and lots of hairspray! Monday is always my long day and boy do I want a shower!

We were stopped by a few people this weekend asking us about our progress...the thing is...people don't seem to have an understanding of what it means to have a house flood. I know I sure didn't! It isn't as simple as mopping up the water, spraying the walls with bleach, and you are done. Sheetrock has to be taken down, up past the water line-all of it (even the closets)...now in a 2000 square foot house, that takes a minute! Floors have to come up, and in a pier and beam house, the joists have to be checked, and everything that got wet requires an anitmicrobial/antifungal treatment. Oh yea, everything has to dry out-which means open walls with fans blowing on them. (I had this crazy idea that you open the walls, clean them off, close them up...uh huh right...of course I also thought you could save the sheetrock off the walls which isn't wet..nope...it doesn't come off in sheets!) This is not a short term project....we are essentially rebuilding the house, at least the interior. There are so many things inside a house you can't see which becomes apparent when you take those walls down...and of course, then you have to fix that too!!!

I was so tired last night that I had a minor meltdown....too much chaos for me to handle, time pressures to get it done, just sooooooooo much to do all the time! Sigh :(

The WHOLE house is covered in this dust ALL the time...good thing we have a zippered portable closet or imagine what my clothes would look like! I sweep and sweep and sweep, and vacuum up dust, and damp mop...to absolutely no avail! Ok..Tina..patience...it will be ok!